Last night was our first night without jose being home. He is in tampa for a Driver's Edge program. It was very hard to take him to the airport yesterday morning, however, I am surprised I wasn't a complete mess. I got teary eyed on the way to the airport when we prayed together, but at the airport I think I realized that the next few days I have to step up to the plate and act as a single mother and take care of my daughter with not even 5 minutes of help - there's no time for boo hoo's & crying for jose to not go. I'm a mama now!
The only thing I could compare dropping off Jose at the airport to was when I was a complete emotional disaster in 2008 - pregnant. I was leaving on the morning flight and Jose was going to work and then flying out that nite. My hormones got the best of me and I started crying, a lot! I was such a wreck. I hugged Jose 1,000 times & proceeded to the dreaded check-in line. Jose called me and expressed how hard it was to see me like that. He had called his boss, parked the car and rescheduled his flight to leave with me! Of course, there was only ONE more seat available on the flight - just for my wonderful husband to support his hormone raging, red-eyed, tears of an ocean, hyperventilating, supporting a human in her belly - wife. I was so hysterical. It was, by far, ridiculous. Now having a daughter in the mix, I expected yesterday's drop off to be a real failure.
Last night I could not sleep too well and Jose called me numberous times not being able to sleep either. I associate jose being gone with our negative experiences of the past. Some of you many know the ins & outs of what the Nobles have endured previously. When I am without him, familiar anxious feelings of distress stir up inside of me reminding me of the times he only found trouble when we were apart. We've had a long, hard road, which I have had many, many a heartbreak from. However, our Lord has helped heal the horrid wounds of the past. God brought me to a safe, trusted place that I never knew existed....and would have never existed without Him. He brought us out of a deep, dark pit of hopelessness to a beautiful, uplifting place where His light continues to shine upon us to keep us from the depths we once knew. I suppose this is part of the healing. I am trusting God in this. Having Jose gone is more than "my husband is out of town". This is an emotional marathon for me. The last time we were apart from each other has nothing to make positive mention of (which was just over 4 years ago).
Praise our Lord for all He has done.
The nite: Last night we felt like little high school sweethearts talking on the phone late into the night. Jose couldn't sleep and neither could I. We talked until 11:30, which was 2:30 in the morn for Jose. He had to wake up at 5 for the program. I was just about to fall asleep until, Madi woke up! I nursed her back to sleep. But just 10 minutes after putting her back in her crib she started to cry again. I tried for a half hour to rock her back to sleep, but she didn't have it. So....back into mommy's bed. Nursed her and we fell asleep for a short time. Shortly after she was back in her crib. I think I went to sleep around 4. 6am my mom calls stating that online check-in (new thing) was a no-go. I had to get out of bed and make some calls and send some emails. So.....long story short, Jose and I are both like zombies today on a few hours of sleep. We aren't used to this anymore! With Madi, we usually try to get to bed at 10 or 11.
And they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I am just so incredibly in love with my daughter. In love with motherhood. In love with watching her learn & grow. In love with the idea that I created a human being! Well, Jose kinda helped....and God was in the mix too! God brought Madelyn to our lives as such a surreal reality. I am still waiting to wake up from this miraculous, but undeserving dream. I close my eyes and all I see is this gift from God.... a beautiful, happy, glowing, adorable face that melts my heart - constantly. Motherhood is nothing short of rewarding & it is truly indescribable. I cannot get enough of my daughter. I love the way she clings to me when she is scared. I love the way she plays with my hair while she nurses. I love when my laugh makes her crack up hysterically. I love when she plays peek-a-boo. I love to see how happy she gets when she sees her daddy come home. I love hearing her giggle & talk. I love watching her sleep. I love that she smiles when I sing to her. I love when she says mama. I love rubbing her back or playing with her hair. I love waking up to hearing her playing in her crib. I love my daughter with all of me. She makes my life....life. She brings me to life.